Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Home alone...
Nice ain't it?
That's enough for today, i need to find some way to keep myself occupied for the next 7 days. I seriously need some company....
flyaway
10:17 pm
Saturday, 19 May 2007
Too pampered?
So, i went down to the basement to get my stuff and lo and behold! The car was gone! I got one helluva shock. Just bloody brilliant. Naturally i called mother and she told me "we're at home already" Like WTH?! I got really pissed on the phone and i was using A LOT of "what the hell". Of course, mom and dad got angry as well and dad said i was "too pampered". In hindsight, i really regret being so rude and disrespectful over the phone, especially considering that just an hour before that i had asked mom to help me buy some Royce chocolate. The only pathetic excuse i have for the way i behaved is that sometimes, we all get angry when things don't go right and we just let loose without thinking. I shouldn't have behaved the way i did this afternoon.
As it were anyway, the conversation ended abruptly and i did something really crazy, i slammed my phone onto the floor. Yes, i slammed my N80 IE onto the floor of the taka carpark. Another thing i regret from today.
Eventually, we went up and i mucked around and did a little physics from edwin's TYS. Left taka about 8.40 and went home. So i had a few regrets from today. I haven't apologised to mom about the way i behaved, i'll try to make myself do that later. I guessed i got another reminder today that i really need to control my temper better. Oh well, yet another thing i need to work on i guess.
flyaway
11:59 pm
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Finally...
Last thurs i went to watch Phantom of the Opera with the family. Finished school at 5 and had to rush down to the Esplanade. Cos that day's show was also some SIA special event for Solitaire PPS members, they had a caterer come in to provide some refreshments before and during the show. The food itself wasn't particularly great, there wasn't a very wide selection available either. The show was fantastic though! The male leads were simply excellent, particularly the guy who played the Phantom. He had a clear, sharp voice and his singing was near perfect. The females though, were all too high-pitched for my liking. Had some wine during the course of the evening, when i got home i tried hard to stay awake and finish my schoolwork, but ended up crashing at about 2.30am. Overall, it was a really great evening.
The next day, fri, had duty for lit nite. Entertaining as well, the plays put up by the drama society and j2 classes were nice. Fell asleep during the poetry recital at the start though, quite sure quite a few ppl saw me sleeping. Kinda rude, but what the hell, i'd been up till 2.30 that morning.
Long day tomorrow, got detention till 8. Whole class. Just cos we were a bit late for assembly. Stupid. 3h detention for being 30s late. Just as well fri is Sports Carnival, otherwise it would really be helluva ridiculous.
Really tired these few days. Must be all the exercise i've been doing. My whole body aches from going to edwin's gym yesterday. Gotta go finish my looooooong-overdue work now, or i'm dead meat tomorrow.
flyaway
8:50 pm
Wednesday, 2 May 2007
WTH is happening?
Today, it just felt like my whole world has come crashing down around me. The last few days, life was all fine and great, yet today felt like total crap. I had all those great hopes and ambitions, yet everything seems to fail. I don't believe i'm a failure. Yet, life never seems to go the way i want. All my dreams and ambitions were pretty much shattered today. I feel like a loser. But again, i know i'm not one. I believe God puts all these obstacles in front of me, but surely something has to materialise one day? Why is it so hard for me to ever achieve what i want? Even with the relative wealth, the support of my friends and family, i just don't seem to be succeeding in life the way i want to be. Maybe God has different ideas for me? I don't know, but i wish i knew why crap seems to happen to me all the time. I'm angry, i'm frustrated, i'm slightly depressed. But the worst part of this all is that i can't seem to pin all these on any one single event, thing or person. No matter how far i look to blame something or someone, i still feel that all my problems are more or less self-inflicted. And that really sucks.
Most people see only the outside image i present. The rude, vulgar, slightly arrogant me is what most people see. Yet my closest friends will know that what's inside is so different. Sometimes i really hate myself for who i appear to be, for the way i behave. Maybe i am hiding the insecurities i have. But then don't we all? My closest friends will also know that i am indeed vulnerable, i am not the all-powerful, influential and rich person i seem to be. I don't like who i am, sometimes, but it's just so hard to change myself. I wish more people would be able to see past the outside, but really sometimes that is something impossible to do. Maybe though, if i change myself, let my true character and ability shine through, i wouldn't be having to deal with the shit that's flying around now. Realistically, i don't know what to do from here. The carefree image sometimes is just a farce too. Deep inside, all that fun and laughter is just to distract me from what's really going on. I'm never as happy as i seem to be. Don't be fooled by my attitude.
I don't know what's happening to me. All i know is i'm struggling, no drowning. I hate the way things are. I want to change, it's from inside that change has to take place. But how am i supposed to do that when the inside hurts so much? Maybe it's the effects of entering a new phase of life that's finally hitting me. Whatever it is, it really sucks. And i can't even pinpoint a source of my anger and frustration. I wish i could just crash and let myself be and hopefully everything will go away. Alas, that will never happen. Because when a mess is made, you have to clean it up. Yourself. I'm not sure whether i'm capable of that though.
flyaway
9:55 pm
Tuesday, 1 May 2007
Some thoughts...
Ever had that experience when you really want to know something? And then when you finally find out, you realise that you'd rather not have known. That happened yesterday, though thankfully not to me. Perhaps it is true that sometimes certain things are better left unsaid, at least for the time being. But considering that the truth was going to come out eventually, wouldn't it be better that a friend be there to support you? What happened yesterday was something new and something i'd rather not have to go through myself. We humans are capable of feeling and understanding, it's what separates us from animals. Sometimes, these emotions are just too much to bear. There are times we all, including myself, wish we could just let things live on within ourselves and life goes on normally. This is impossible, emotional expression is something we all go through. What makes it all better though, is that we have friends around us who support, encourage, empathise and overall just understand us. Friendships are the key to living in this world, don't ever lose your friends.
I realise most of you probably won't have a clue as to what i'm talking about in this post. All i can say is that my mind is now a tangled web of thoughts and emotions. I'm just as confused as anyone of you reading this. Hopefully, someone will come along and pull me out of this phase.
flyaway
10:03 pm