Today, it just felt like my whole world has come crashing down around me. The last few days, life was all fine and great, yet today felt like total crap. I had all those great hopes and ambitions, yet everything seems to fail. I don't believe i'm a failure. Yet, life never seems to go the way i want. All my dreams and ambitions were pretty much shattered today. I feel like a loser. But again, i know i'm not one. I believe God puts all these obstacles in front of me, but surely something has to materialise one day? Why is it so hard for me to ever achieve what i want? Even with the relative wealth, the support of my friends and family, i just don't seem to be succeeding in life the way i want to be. Maybe God has different ideas for me? I don't know, but i wish i knew why crap seems to happen to me all the time. I'm angry, i'm frustrated, i'm slightly depressed. But the worst part of this all is that i can't seem to pin all these on any one single event, thing or person. No matter how far i look to blame something or someone, i still feel that all my problems are more or less self-inflicted. And that really sucks.

Most people see only the outside image i present. The rude, vulgar, slightly arrogant me is what most people see. Yet my closest friends will know that what's inside is so different. Sometimes i really hate myself for who i appear to be, for the way i behave. Maybe i am hiding the insecurities i have. But then don't we all? My closest friends will also know that i am indeed vulnerable, i am not the all-powerful, influential and rich person i seem to be. I don't like who i am, sometimes, but it's just so hard to change myself. I wish more people would be able to see past the outside, but really sometimes that is something impossible to do. Maybe though, if i change myself, let my true character and ability shine through, i wouldn't be having to deal with the shit that's flying around now. Realistically, i don't know what to do from here. The carefree image sometimes is just a farce too. Deep inside, all that fun and laughter is just to distract me from what's really going on. I'm never as happy as i seem to be. Don't be fooled by my attitude.

I don't know what's happening to me. All i know is i'm struggling, no drowning. I hate the way things are. I want to change, it's from inside that change has to take place. But how am i supposed to do that when the inside hurts so much? Maybe it's the effects of entering a new phase of life that's finally hitting me. Whatever it is, it really sucks. And i can't even pinpoint a source of my anger and frustration. I wish i could just crash and let myself be and hopefully everything will go away. Alas, that will never happen. Because when a mess is made, you have to clean it up. Yourself. I'm not sure whether i'm capable of that though.